There are so many gates between us and our adoption dreams. So many great, strong, relentless gates. Like great blundering fools, we keep trying to climb over all those gates— but we can’t. They’re great, tall gates & there is nothing to grip as we climb- we get a bit of the ways up, then slid back down lower (farther for our goal) than we even were before. We CAN’T get over even the first gate. So we think, humm, lets go underneath. We flatten ourselves like a pancake but we can’t get under; there is not a hairsbreadth between the bottom of the gate & the ground. Humm… willpower, will power will do it- but it won’t work, we are held back just like before. Finally we gather all together, we aim to test our combined strength against that of this first gate- there are, after all, twelve of us. We push and we heave until one by one we are exausted & lie panting on the ground, no more likely to overcome that gate than to drink all the water in the ocean. We begin to cry. Nothing will work. We were foolish. It can’t be done. No, no, we cannot do it.It is well for us, well for our adoption dreams, that we serve the God who holds the keys to every one of those gates. It is well that we can trust him to open those gates when— and if— he sees fit.
So that is where we were, must like we were in March when I wrote this:
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Lately, Mercy has been learning the meaning of the word “Wait”- and it’s high time. She used to tell you she wants something, and if you didn’t respond immediately she would repeat that she WANTS something. We knew we had to ‘nip this is in the bud’, but it wasn’t until a little later that we decided to teach her about “wait”. She started repeating a request 72 million times at a speed that would make a NASCAR driver dizzy until the required object is in her hand (example: Mercy is ready for bed and has an urge to have a goodnight drink of milk from her bottle. She cries out “Mo-Mo wan’ da’ ba-ba, wan’ da’ ba-ba, wan’ da’ ba-ba, PEEEEEASE, Mo-Mo wan’ da’ ba-ba, wan’ da’ ba-ba…”). It is mostly at these times that we say the new word- and usually she is quiet and patient for a few minutes after being told to wait. Of course, there are times when she needs more correction than one simple word (these times are most frequent at the grocery store, during Church or at some other dreadfully inconvenient place).
The theme of waiting has been very common around here- waiting for documents to come, waiting to hear back from the grant organisation, waiting for “The Call” which we don’t know when to expect…
So what do you do when you are told to “wait”? I find I am prone, like Mercy, to call out my request in a louder, more I’m-seriously-about-to-throw-a-huge-fit voice. I think “the only reason there could be that God has not answer my prayer the way I wanted Him to, when I wanted Him to is that He didn’t hear me, or, He didn’t think I was serious.” So I go into bratty two-year-old mode and I say “Do what I want, and do it RIGHT NOW“- but I find that it doesn’t work. It seems to work out way better to just be quiet- then, I can hear Him when He tells me:
May I wait, that it may be true of me “I waited patiently for the LORD, and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry.”"…For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Then shall you call on me, and you shall go and pray to me, and I will hearken to you. And you shall seek me, and find me, when you search for me with all your heart…”
It might be seventy years, but He will not forget us (even when it seems like He has).
Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet I will not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee on the palms of my hands, thy walks are continuously before me…”
“Sing, o heavens; and be joyful, o earth; and break forth into singing, o mountains; for the Lord has comforted His people, and will have mercy upon His afflicted.
But Zion said, ‘the LORD hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me.
Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet I will not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee on the palms of my hands, thy walks are continuously before me…”
May I wait, that it may be true of me “I waited patiently for the LORD, and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry.”
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And that is where we are right now. As of yet God has not closed what gates are open & right now we are just waiting, waiting for Him to unlock all those gates & set us free to run, run until we hold our little ones in our arms. It seems to me that he is saying, didn’t you hear my call? Did you not say you would follow? Will you not sacrifice to gain what I have planned for you?
Will we not sacrifice? Will I not sacrifice? When I said I would follow to where ever, what did I mean by that? What were my conditions? Where did I think “where ever you lead” ended?
All of this and more is surging through my heart. We can’t always have what we’re so keenly longing for just when we want it. Sometimes it requires sacrifice so profound that before, we thought it wouldn’t be possible. We are not a patient people, are we? We are not a sacrificing people at all. We must lean on Christ our strength. I find that I am continually drawing… it is well that that well never runs dry- that his people do not come to him, & find we must leave again lacking.
Wait, my daughter
“Take heed, and be quiet; fear not, neither be fainthearted.- Be still, and know that I am God.- did I not say to you that if you believed you should see the kingdom of God?- … Rest in the Lord, wait patiently for Him…” (this is a compilation of scriptures taken from Daily Light. This is part of the November 4th)
~Ellie
(for those who do not already know this, adoption has a tendency to go ways you didn’t expect it to go)
. I was even toying with the idea of changing my tagline (“Ellens blog” is so unoriginal) into something to do with the subject, what do you think? However, I DONT have a post written for today, so just enjoy this picture & hopefully I’ll be back soon!
